The Google cert ads have to stop opening with “want to break into cyber security?”. I don’t think it’s going to attract the kind of learners they’re hoping for.

Back off! That terrible wine is just my vineyard expressing itself!! (natural wine making extremist who disapproves of any human intervention at all in the wine making process)

Live, love, large mouth bass.

Love is wet.

When the nurse began drawing my blood today, a sweet tune came out as well. I thought, I guess music really is in my veins! But it turned out to just be the phone ringing.

Caper is such an exciting word. Are you in for a thrilling escapade? Or is it a salty green treat? Either way, adventure awaits!

New drink combo: Mescal and Coke. Tastes just like tyres!

New band name idea: Guilty napkin.

“Get ’em while they’re hat!” (My friend’s incredible impression of a hat salesman).

The anticipation of waiting for those order buzzers to go off always leads me to the paranoid belief that they have the power and intention to electrocute me. Is this a universal experience?

Only bottoms sleep beneath the top sheet – This hot take has been in my drafts for over year and I still don’t know how I feel about it.

Piddle talk, the conversation that takes place after a really intimate interaction with the loo. Asparagus is often involved.

I knew I was an adult when I stopped using the tiny straws to drink my Yakults and just started downing them in one go like a real man.

There are some guys who have a full head of hair but give off the vibe of someone whose lost every follicle on their head. They possess a sort of figurative baldness.

I love when men refuse to invest in straps/handles in case it looks like they have a handbag. Fear not sir, I think your massive clutch is very manly and compliments your shoes spectacularly.

David Tennant got real Bill Nighy with his portrayal of Crowley in season 2 and I feel I may now have to return to season 1 to see if I missed it or if we should be investigating the likelyhood of some kind of possession. I mean the jaw movements,…

I know this is a crazy thing to do with one’s spare time but you can using the google ngram viewer track the sudden influx of uses of the term ‘Grassy knoll’ in the years following the Kennedy assassination. You know , just if you don’t have much on over…

I’m watching the first season of Buffy at the moment, and I’ve noticed a striking similarity between the vampire master and Jim Carney’s 2000 titular depiction of the Grinch. It’s very unsettling.

Recently I discovered Alan Partridge is not real, and I’d merely a persona of the comedian Steve Coogan. This has developed a paranoia in me so great, that I just had to double check Alice Cooper was real and not simply a persona of Henry Winkler.

I like to imagine that all cops you see on TV are real and on duty, because of course it’s a crime to impersonate an officer of the law.

When were you going to tell me that inside no. 9 is not about 9 Downing street?! Every clip I have ever seen of that show is making so much more sense now.

I live in a world where Simon Cowell is a fictional character from the second Shrek film. It’s peaceful here.

“Bow wow, miserable man” – Saw this written on a whiteboard today. I wish I had even a smidgen more context.

This just in: Adele and HBO’s ‘The Boys’ reach new popularity with smash hit cover, “Rolling with The Deep”!

“All I wanna do is have some fun Until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard” – Count Dracula.

I only hang my wet washing indoors. You know what they say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer!

Vein on left arm was dry as dust. Vein on right arm refused to stop spouting. Why? I keep all my blood on one side of my body, so that in a sword fight I can use the other side as a fleshy shield. Merely my latest ‘inno-vein-tion’ They call…

It’s a man eat man kind of world – Hannibal Lector.

“…surfaces have to be clean…” We met eyes. They widened. The expression unreadable with disgust. And then he was gone. And I’m left to wonder. Is my surface, unclean? (To be clear this is unrelated to the previous post. I am not a man soiled by soup. Not today.)

Humanity keeps their thinkers and lobsters in the same place and I think that says a lot about us.

“Pickled too, you get the flavour of many” – A new promotional line by Big Pickle.

Today my mother declared after great consideration: “Running: takes all sorts”.

Penny (farthing) dreadful

Moon knight? Oh, I’ve been calling it night knight. Seems like a missed opportunity. Marvel really needs to start letting me name their shows.

And now listeners, ‘Bees’ from top charting album “The Dark Side of the Hive”, by hit apiologist rock band, Pink Floret. “Bees, bees in the air…”

I just mistook someone who looks nothing like me for my reflection, which I don’t think is a good sign for my sense of self.

O say, does that star-spangled ham yet wave o’er the land of the swine and the home of the spam? – Spamerica.

Guy liner? I wasn’t aware men don’t have eyes… This potentially explains a lot.

Leornado Davincio is not a dream. He is real, and he’s out there now. Acting his way through art school, chasing the dream.

You know I’m noticing a startling correlation between American holidays and explosions. I’m not claiming it’s exclusive, but across the board, that’s a pattern if I was a neighbouring country, I’d be keeping my eye on. Will I be take questions? Depends, what date is it?

Frank Sinatra didn’t give us anywhere near enough warning that he was moving to New York. You’re leaving today, and you’re just now letting people know?! That’s not nearly enough time! And if that isn’t bad enough, I finally get over Frank’s betrayal, and than all of a sudden, Liza…

I keep confusing Robbie Williams and Robin Williams. I have prematurely shocked many people with the death of the famous singer.

One day I hope to be my very own Sherlock Holmes. Criminals will need to become a tad more creative first. Making my dreams come true is a community effort for which you will be thanked and promptly arrested.

Where are Kenneth Branagh’s lips? It’s unnerving.

Recently I was told I look like Bojack Horseman from behind. I’m not sure how to interpret that but I think it’s very indicative of how my week is going.

I really need my doctor to stop describing me like I am a dog he is trying really hard to get adopted. I’m a little concerned I may just be a poodle with an inflated sense of self at an overindulgent vet.

I’m like a jar of chutney in the fridge that is Twitter, in the garage that is the internet. Just knocking about in the dark, passing my used by date. By the time someone finds this account I, like the chutney, will be unrecognizable. (Edit: Ain’t that the truth, and…

“Its probably just someone’s bins” is now my go-to horror film catchphrase for when something is making a suspicious sound or moving around in the dark.

Saw a man step out of a hairdressers with foils in today (I guess bleaching is a pretty intensive procedure), then turn around and find he was locked out. The look of defeat as he lowered his head and set off bizarrely down the street, goodness, that was the look…

“I’m writing on a train for Christ’s sake, there are no rules for a rebel like me!” -An excerpt from a 2019 attempt at journal keeping that sadly sums me up entirely. What can I say, i’m a rule breaker.